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((Rewind))

August 22, 2008: Originally I should have been departing on this date to begin my new life on the other side of the world. But, due to uncontrollable circumstances, I asked for a later departure date.

Around August 31, 2008 I told my mother I no longer wanted to go. I think she knew I was going to change my mind because she didn't react to this at all. I was adamant about not going until around September 3rd when I decided to go shopping for my September 5th departure. On September 4th I said my last goodbyes and was off on the 5th. I was numb to leaving. I wasn't excited. I wasn't scared. Quite frankly, I didn't have any major emotions at all.

Now, its November 18, 2009. In less than one month I will be back on American soil. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm hesitant. I'm very weary. I'm unsettled. But, in essence, I'm ready.

In the past year and a half I learned a lot. I learned what tenacity is. I learned what stress is. I learned what discipline is. I learned what fortune is. I learned what faith is. I learned what friendship is. I learned what depression is. I learned what translations are. I learned what body language is. I learned what fear is. I learned what dedication is. I learned what love is. But, most of all, I learned what living is.

According to my mother, I have been on a paid vacation for the past several months. In essence, I have. I have been able to travel, party, eat, socialize, learn new languages, see new countries and experience new cultures ... oh yes, and stay in LOTS of hostels. My life has been simply amazing over the past few months. I have seen sakura (cherry blossoms) that are so beautiful a picture could not even begin to capture the beauty of them. I have been atop mountains that have shown me how simple life is. The breath of fresh air that can be consumed amongst the clouds is one of the most joyful feelings on Earth. Standing in the Peace Park in Hiroshima that was full of history only to think about how much peace is actually missing in the world. Living here has made me realize how many breaths people take failing to recognize the moments that are actually taking their breath away. It has allowed me to refocus on the simple things that maintain my sanity. I have been reintroduced to the serenity of solitude. I have been reminded of how beautiful life is.

Japan has been more than wonderful and simply amazing. There are not enough words in the history of words to describe how appreciative I am of this time.

I pray that everything that I have seen, heard, felt, smelled and tasted can help me to have the best life on Earth.

I love my life. Thank you japan.

本当にありがとうございます。

また近いうちに。

ガーネット

enigmatic love

lately i have had some strange feelings: feelings about love and what it is. feelings about love and how to deal with them. feelings about marriage. feelings about happiness. feelings about joy. i feel like a baby but all of my friends are having babies and getting married.

a lot of my friends date to date and settle because they want a wedding. actually, that may be people in general. but for me, dating is different, a wise woman (thankfully shes my mom) once said to me "never live like you are married until you are married." a wise man (thankfully hes my dad) once said, "the guys that buy you things are not the ones you need to love, but they are the ones that will feel as if you owe them something." and a wise young man (thankfully my brother) said "hes not good enough for you" as i ask "do u know him?" he responded "doesnt matter, no one will be good enough."

with those wise words i never felt the need to be exclusively involved with anyone. i like you. you like me. lets go out. if you happen to be the only guy i am going out with that is great, and if not, its fine too. as i prepare to possibly think about considering the fact that i might want to get married in the near or distant future, i thought about it. love is the easiest habit to attain and the hardest to break. so why oh why would i plan to love someone that doesnt make me better? why would i choose to be with someone that may praise me but does not necessarily better my life in any way shape or form.

i would much rather have an enigma. i LOVE puzzles because at first glance u can never see their beauty. it takes piece after piece to make the masterpiece. and if you make your way to completing the puzzle, its forever. mama knows i like him. he is an enigma. i have a few pieces but as i continue to put the puzzle together it doesnt get easier. each day its a challenge, it racks my brain and makes me think. i wait and just look at it sometimes. and if im not sure of the next piece i admire what i have until i can figure out where the next piece goes.

the best thing about puzzles is this. when you see what they could be (their potential) you fall in love with the imagery. when you first start the puzzle it is very frustrating, but you (well i) first put together the framework. the border is the easiest part to piece together because each piece has at least one flat side. you KNOW where they go. when the basics are put in to place you smile. you know you are on to something great. as you find pieces you see different images in the puzzle. sometimes you can get frustrated because you want the end result, but you dont know how to attain it, though u know it is attainable, because somewhere, you have all of the pieces. day in and day out you attempt this puzzle. you admire the puzzle from afar. you take everything into consideration and do what you can with what you have.

but, in the event that you create this puzzle, if you put all of the pieces together, you are sure that it will last forever, until you drop it and it shatters into pieces. but every puzzle will not be dropped. some will be framed and admired for a life time. and that puzzle, that enigma, that love, when it is complete, when it is forever, it is amazingly beautiful. every time someone gets to admire it, they will smile. they may critique it, but they will understand that it is meant to be because all of the pieces fit so perfectly.

piece together your enigmas, do not settle for the film that has been developed.

g.

9, november, 2009