iDig.

[Tears are words the heart can't express...

music is love in search of a word...]

copyright .Zing. 2008

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iDig simply because the truth is resonating through these words.

iDig because music is the best expression of feelings,

but it never says what people can read,

just fills you with a feeling of definition.

Tears are simply a way of your heart speaking truth.

you hear it. you feel it. you want to speak it,

but, there are no words.

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as i remember Dean [Dr.] Zenobia Hikes,

Gerald Miller Bailey,

Lille Mae Tabor,

Willis Clinton Tabor,

Henry C. Conerway, Sr.,

Levy Belle Sullivan Conerway,

Terri George Mills Ossman

Felicia Robinson,

Arin Adams,

H. Eugene Conway,

Monet Little,

Desmond Brumsfield,

Feets,

the list goes on and on and on,

there are no words.

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You cry tears in the time of struggle,

because there are no words to express your pain.

You cry tears in your moments of joy,

because no words are good enough to express your happiness.

You cry tears in your moments of uncertainity,

because there are no to express your frustrations.

You cry tears at night,

sometimes because you cant find the prayer that God needs to hear.

You cry tears in the morning,

because you cant believe the thoughts you had last night.

You cry tears because-

the English language has yet to create the words that define your situation;

-but, God created music.

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God created music so you could feel the vibration,

the vibration that will add light to any situation.

God created music for that feel good moment,

that moment that makes you smile and completely describes-

possibly defines, your current situation.

God created music to help the mute speak-

God created music to help the studdering to speak clearly-

God created music to help that one person form a sentence of emotions-

God created music becuase it is a universal language,

it is the one language that u do not have to attempt to translate.

God created music so our hearts can communicate what our minds get stuck on.

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Tears are words the heart can't express...

music is love in search of a word...

[copyright .Zing. 2008]

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the wings to fly.

the ears to hear.

the eyes to see.

the hands to touch.

the fingers to feel.

the tongue to taste.

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tears + music create a life worth living.

i am because u are.

we are because they do.

it all makes sense.

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copyright.g.2008

love.

.the.nia.of.SC....

Rest in Peace

Dr. Zenobia L. Hikes

our Spellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllman Sister

our NIA

((re))visiting:.love.

[26, october, 2008]

Just a little motivation:

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man: I wanna woman I wanna be married
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woman: are u happy now? like in your state of your life? can u honestly say you are happy?.
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man: Happpy with what?
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woman: your life, in its entirety. are you, ---, happy?
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man: 95%
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woman: well in that 5% your wife will come, as i heard today, from joel osteen, when you can be 100% happy in the life you have God will grant you the life you want
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man: Really thts kewl
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woman: yea ... so like me, im in love with a man who i want to be my husband. but i figure if i become happy with our current situation and with myself ... someone (else) will want to love me. its like, my personal theory is this ... why not fall in love with yourself? i mean it is YOU that you want someone else to fall in love with, right? not on a conceited tip, but just generally. love your image. love your personality. love your intelligence. love your negativity and your positive picture. and im SURE someone else will fall for you ...
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man: That's deep....
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woman: thanks, but is also very simple. think about it, if every day you are like "i hate my body." why on earth would you think someone else would want to look at it?
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man: ok, so maybe im at 75%
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woman: lol ... so baby boy, get to 100% ... then u can get you a younger tender that can keep you living and stop you from existing.God isnt finished with you yet, thats why you are alive ... so make your days worth living! ya dig?
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man: I dig
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woman: and me, no im not worried, thank u very much. but i love love, i love family and i enjoy the thought of honestly being in love with my best friend (not in the literal sense) and the two of us having a great life together, for me its different, its like im experiencing life but its not really that fun to talk to anyone about what i experience .... i want that special conversation at night with that special person ... so, u will be married, and u will have a wife, pray on it and accept it, hard as simple as it is
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just my thoughts on another day.
love.

villages.nightmares.blood.

[23 october 2008]
so, maybe you thought this was about halloweens near approach. or maybe it was about a student in my class. nope - its about family, and how much i love them.
i dont know if people know that i appreciate them but here i am going to make an attempt to name everyone that comes to mind .... my village, both then now and forever ;-)
((in no particular order))
...mommy (garnet known as mo): i love you honeybunches! now, if you have never met my mom she is the epitome of cool, the definition of fly, the last puzzle piece to the enigma we call life. my mom is like the best woman ever. she is super smart, like, forreal, dont try to play her in scrabble, and if u do, never challenge her, u will lose! but moreso than that she is my friend, not my bestest of bestest best best best but shes the bf. now, i have a bff, who i will get to later, but she is just (ma, there are no words). she is everything u want to be but you will never really get to her level because God created a new level for her that is just unreachable for the average person. she has taught me thinks that, well, i will love her forever because she taught them to me. (lol). simple things like, when i was 2(ish) I was fighting sleep once and she said "you know you can go to sleep when you are sleepy, right?" and i said "really? im going to bed now!" now, to you that may not be a big deal, but to me it was like "ahhhhhh" the gates to heaven have let me in! she was that mom that always nursed you to health and never got sick. she was that mom that made sure she was on every field trip (except toronto, sorry) and always the group leader of everyone, lol. she was the mom that sold so many girl scout cookies I got tired and she passed them out. she was the mom that held me down through therapy, to make sure i still got into college. she is still that mom that proofreads all of my papers, calls me at random times just because she had something funny to say or a question to ask. she married my father, and Lord knows (well, ill get to him in a minute, *smile*). she raised 2 blood children, 9million sons, a gazillion babies, and some grandparents, all in a days work. my mom is the greatest.
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...popdiddly: ok so, my dad is the funniest man on the face of this earth. but unbeknownst (um, yea, you know what i mean) to most people, he may know more things than my mom ... real talk. he is the funny laid back guy that was at every concert, all the dinners, and luncheons, every daddy daughter dance, suffered through debutante dance lessons, took me shopping, bought me stuff, taught me instrumentation and musicality, helped me disect random animals, like EVERY fish that died in our fish tank, supported me through bates, renaissance, spelman, japan ... my dad is the greatest. love you man! he is that father that may not agree with what you are doing at the time, but before he lectures you he will find some way to slide in at least one positive message just to let u know he was listening and does care about your desires. he is the guy thatll scold you and make sure you know that what you did was stupid, but, at the end of the day, he loved you first. ive gotten so many traits from my father, im so glad God blessed me with him. its crazy how people say you cant pick your family, well, if i had to, id pick the same clowns that love me now. daddy is that one guy that you may never fully understand, but youre glad you get him enough. love you pops!
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...skipper-roo: henry, i love you. im not mushy, i promise, but i love you. i do. i am impressed by your drive and your intellect. you take your time to get there, but when you do, its the masterpiece that noone was expecting. i cant wait for you to have some rugrats, i think you will be one of the best fathers on the face of this planet. you are definitely someone i have always looked up to and will always. mom and dad always used to tell us "we are gonna die, but you will have each other forever, you are each others best friends and you better keep it that way." in our own screwed up little situation, we are best friends. now, do we know everything about one another? no! but trust, im gonna hold u down and i know you will hold me down, its in our blood.
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...POODA: oh you thought bff was gonna be revealed? ha! yeah right ... ((yes mom, you know who the bff is... home depot, pizza hut, computers.... yea think about it)). well, hes my bff, i love him dearly. he is everything you never wanted but something that you always needed. he understands me and i understand him. thats that. i love you.
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... sexy six: crichet, ron b., california sunshine, courtie bourtie, noey .... wow, its been so long. you all are blood, as far as im concerned, you all love me in some strange way, but im glad you do. i dont see u enough or say it enough but i love you all.
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...tabor/conerway/conway/briggs/ice..... too many names but they all rooted from somewhere, i love you. its too many to give you each a paragraph but i love you. i love you. i love you. thank you for loving me too.
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...extended family: thank you for the job reccommendations, the recommendation letters, the babysitting jobs, the road trips, the food, the beds, the cars, the dates, the outtings, the everything. i dont have enough words and enough energy to begin to say thank you to everyone, but if you dont know i love you I LOVE YOU!
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...southfield moms&mentors: i was talking to a friend last night about a situation. you often wonder where your feet will take you, but its always interesting to find out. i do know one thing, i love you guys. if i took the letters out of your titles you would still hold me down and that is why i can say i love you and will see you soon .... love.
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im sure there are more people that i love and i cant call by name, forgive me. but know you loved me first, or maybe i loved you first, but the point is we are loved, by each other, today! i love you, i thank you, i miss you.
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just thoughts, just love, just me
sayonara.

skype me baby ...

22, october, 2008
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so toy and i were having our regularly nightly morning conversation. and todays random profound psychic comment was this .....
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me: "so, i think im going to stop talking to him. i forget how much i love him sometimes. its like i fall in love with him all over again every time we have a conversation. sometimes i fall in love several times in the conversation. you know, those aha moments like wow i really love him?"
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toy: "have you ever just tried turning those thoughts off?"
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me: have u ever tried to ignore love? it just holds u captive and smacks u in the face[. love is that one emotion that can take you to your highest highs and lowest lows but loves you enough to only share the highs with u ... maybe some mids every now and again. love is a release, its a drug that you are forever addicted to or never want to try and sometimes a little bit of both. love is dumb! [lol.] love is oxymoronic and violent but soft and gentle. love plays hide and seek very well but when u forget to look for it sometimes it scares the buhJESUS out of u.
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just thoughts on paper ...

real.eyes...realize...real.lies

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[22 october 2008]

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"my eyes are green, 'cuz I eat a lot of vegetables"

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2 months, soon approaching, but so much has been revealed.

i have realized i have been lying to myself for far too long.

ok, maybe not lying, that sounds extreme.

but i was sure scared to be introduced to myself.

have you ever been introduced to yourself?

it is a very strange reality check.

but since i have been in japan, i have realized quite a few things about myself.

... here goes something (or nothing, depending on how you look at it, i consider it positive improvement, but you can consider it negative reinforcement.)

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1. my name is garnet, it means red, it also means flower and it is also a stone, but in japanese its ganetto (though they can actually say garnet, its kind of funny)

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2. my middle name is terri (no im not giving u the full government) and my aunt used to call me little terri, i honestly hated it because i thought she just didnt know my name. i also hated it because i was not little terri, that meant i wasnt an individual.

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3. i love to read. whoever told me i couldnt understand stuff lied, lol, just kidding, i really cant. but i like reading. i may not remember what i read before but i like reading in the moment, the revelations are amazing.

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4. im a control freak. why didn't you all tell me this? sheesh! its an interesting control freak-ism though. but it explains a lot.

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5. i hold family in the highest esteem. no i dont talk to my family every day, but cross them and its not a good look for u.

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6. i love to write. im not that good at it but i love doing it.

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7. i love teaching, maybe not in the professional setting, but i love helping out the people that have not had a chance to help themselves out.

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8. i love love. i am in love. thats all!

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9. i have a best friend. (no mo, not u, lol) that best friend means more to me than i ever realized. that friend epitomizes the ((garnet)) definition of a best friend ... maybe tutu or someone said this, but, the defintion being "the person that knows u best."

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10. i met my soul mate once. i just now realized i didnt want to be with him forever; HOWEVER, he was a mirror for me, the person that showed me everything that was holding me back, the person that brought me to my own attention so i could change my life.

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11. i wear my wishbone where my backbone should be.

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12. im a dreamer.

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13. im determined.

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14. im very focused. people often told me i was not focused and i had thoughts all over the place but my mom saw it, everything i do comes back to the same goal.

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15. last (for now) "I'm scared of the future because of the scar the past left on my heart, so its hard for me to open my present and accept it as a gift..." (c) Garnet 2008

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this is my post for today,

love.

i found my husband ...

[12, october, 2008]

so, today i decided im going to get on the workout grind for real. and, well, im cheap, so, all that "lets join a gym, lets buy weights, lets ..." is for the birds. y cant i just take advantage of my two phenomenal modes of transportation (my legs, and my bike). both of those are good for cardio, right? hey, why not .... im more active here than ive EVER been in my life! i did the gym thing, but it only worked when i had my fabulous trainer (props to j.dunn) and instructor for groups lessons (yay for syd). but in atlanta, yea right, i hated that stupid gym and i was not motivated to run on anyones treadmill. i hated running all together, most of the time.

so, i got up today, hung up my clothes, (yes i have a washer but no dryer, which i will get to shortly) ate some frosted flakes, and went for an (at least) 8 mile bike ride. I live in Japan and the mountains are beautiful, but i can only see them in the distance. so, today i decided to take a trek just to see where i live. the vegetation is beautiful here. as i was riding i saw some restaurants, some shops, some homes, a baseball diamond with what appeared to be a little league game, some ravens (those birds are ridiculously huge), some ladies walking their dogs, and again ... the mountains. as i listened to my ipod, the motivation playlist (better known as gospel) i thought, i want to marry Jesus. i know that sounds crazy because im DEFINITELY already married to Jesus. But today, i thought it in the thankful sense.

all of my life i have loved fast cars, expensive shoes, and fine dining. blame it on whoever you want, but, i realize, i came here to be reintroduced to the simple things. i love the fact that i can walk and just see the world. i never realized why grandma never got her license, but driving allows you to miss a lot of stuff. i see random shops, and whats in them. i am able to truly look at the architecture(sp?) and admire it. i am able to look at the children running about and smile at them. i am able to look at the spiders and think "oh what web we weave." i am able to watch the birds fly, look at the flowers, shoot, smell the air.

i love it here. but more importantly, i love being at a point where i am able to truly fall in love with me. falling in love with love was fun, but then it became depressing, lol. falling in love with yourself is a wonder in the world of wonders. it does not form conceit, but instead it allows you to understand what u truly love, want, and need in your life. it allows you to understand wealth, both financially and personally.

that is my blog for today...
love.

flamingos and puerto ricans

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a simple conversation began about God and how he works. a friend and i began talking about her life and how God already claimed it to be, of course more was said than that. but we began the topic of careers and words began to manifest in my thoughts and i began to write them down on paper. sometimes i have great ideas that i would like to share, and other times i just like to hear myself talk. well, this time, i dont know what it is/was but this is what it came to be...

Friend::..
you always have interesting emails,
and blogs

Me::..
oh, thank you
i want to write a blog today aobut our pizza party at work, but i dont feel like it, lol
i just honestly feel like my purpose in this life was to change minds one person at a time, thus changing the world...
i usually use myself to "minister" to the world because ive been through a lot
there are some things i have never experienced (like a broken heart from an ex-boyfriend)
but the biggest thing people NEED in life, to change, is death; and Lord knows ive experienced that
so i see most things VERY differently than the average joe ... and i just feel like if i say something it will touch someone ...
and just little things like i know EXACTLY what i want to do in life, now, getting there, God only knows... but people have always told me "ur all over the place" no, i have a lot of interests, yes, but i am very focused.
i want to help people.
yes, i could be a doctor, but how many people do you REALLY help
or i could be a simple psychologist, and do therapy
but why cant i be a business woman, a philanthropist, a counselor, a researcher, and an inventor (of sorts)
God created this simply complex individual for some reason, why cant i use all of my thoughts for the greater good and goal of happiness?
((and this is my new blog))
thanks ;-)

Addendum: since I'm here ....
I know my blog is grammatically incorrect; however, I use certain writings for emphasis, thank you for understanding.
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Now, about this pizza party ...
We had a pizza party at work today. We ordered 3 medium pizzas (meat lovers, chicken teriyaki, bacon and mushroom), 1 large lasagna, 5 chicken nuggets with cheese in them, 5 spicy chicken wings, small potato wedges, large potato wedges. Now, with this order we received 1 fork, 3 packs of hot sauce, and the food. Mind you, this was an order for 8 people. The pizzas were the size of a bambino, ok, MAYBE a small pizza from an American Pizza Hut. The lasagna could have easily filled one hungry black man, actually, it wouldve been his appetizer. There were no plates, we used paper. There were no napkins, rarely ever are in Japan, so we used kleenex. There were no utensils so we tore the dividers from the boxes (they were about the size of an insert that goes in a mens dress shirt under the collar) and made spoons.
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It was a very interesting "lunch date." Its always funny because ALL of our conversations are bilingual, usually the JTs (nihon-jin sensei) speak nihongo and then they will speak a bit of english and the FTs (amerika-jin sensei) will usually speak english and then speak a bit of japanese. Anywho, todays discussion was on recycling.
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They are ANAL about recycling. the plastic bottles must be separate from the plastics and you must remove the labels and tops. The burnables (paper, food) are separated. The aluminum is separated. The glass is separated. The biggest problem in all of this is EVERYTHING comes individually packaged so it takes a lot to separate things. And, when people dont know where or how to recycle it they usually just take it to 7/11 and recycle it. The craziest thing about this is the garbage men have to separate the separated trash. So, if you recycle wrong, you are making someones job even worse.

and that, my friends, is my new blog.
ahava...

(now that you have reached the end of the blog

i am sure you have noticed that the blog had NOTHING to do with flamingos

OR Puerto Ricans, but it popped in to my head so i wrote it down, lol, love.)

Nippon ... Nihon .... Nihon-jin

People continue to ask me to write more, but there is so much to say that I don't know where to begin. As you all know I am in Nippon, also known as Nihon, better known as Japan. I take an adventure every day of my life now ... adventuring in another country is the best life I could ever ask for. I must say, to all of the people reading this that have not travelled or experienced another culture in some way shape or form, please do so.

A friend of mine, and I, have a continued discussion about how Americans do not have culture. This is a very sad thought but if you think about it, what is the culture? Is your culture giving presents on Christmas Day and shooting guns on New Years. What about - bbqing in the summer and going to the club on Saturday night. Name one thing that is specific to JUST America. Exactly! You are probably still thinking. The only thing that we could come up with was baseball.

But, when you consider nihon-jin (japanese people) they have so much culture, so much wealth, so much prosperity, so much truth, so much! They have specific things they do with their family, which is mostly everything. They vacation as a culture. They do a lot of things. There are some things that I find very interesting about these people though.

Nihon-jin are extremely fashionable. For those that know me know, Im not fashionable or stylish - I just wake up and put on clothes that match. But in Japan everyone has Gucci and Louis Vuitton because its normal. It does not bother them that a purse costs 100,000jpy, thats just normal to them. Its normal to them to go spend their cash at Zara, Gap Woman (exclusive to Japan), Cartier, Louis Vuitton, Gucci and Dolce and Gabana (sp?). It is normal to them to dress their children in the best designer fashion on the face of this planet. It is normal to them to spend more money time and effort on fashion then it is, lets say, transportation. Most people in Japan do not have cars, though they are not a necessity, its just interesting. If I called my most materialistic fashionable friend and suggested he gets rid of his car in order to only wear LV, Gucci, Feragamo (sp?), Cartier, Rock and Republic and shop at Saks and Neimans, I dont know if he would. Though all of those names are big to him, being able to get around is more important because he may be to bougie to catch the public transportation, unless he lives in New York. When I think about necessities in life, it seems to me that the necessities of this country are vastly different form in America. I also find it very interesting that they only use cash. It is very rare that they own credit cards. HOWEVER, they could charge something with their cell phone! Yes, they can use their cellular devices to charge something, crazy, right?

I am making an attempt to learn nihongo (japanese) and it is quite challenging. After you learn the vowels you can spell everything, which is great, but then you dont know what it means, lol. Its also interesting because the rules of japanese language are so intense that if i say akita (uh-kee-ta) they have no idea what i am talking about because they say (ah-kee-tah). Yes, very different in japanese. They have various ways of contact, the syllabification is amazing, and the sentence structure is difficult. Example: akita desu ka. translates to: akita where is question mark. They do not have question marks, periods, etc. They have inflections for most statements and ka represents a question. Its very interesting.

In other news, I went out with my conet, manager and managers husband yesterday and it was so much fun. We started our journey to Osaka at about noon and headed to a mexican restaurant, el pancho, that was GREAT! Then we ventured off into the wonderful world of shopping. It was cold and rainy, but it was a good day. We also went to the international store (jupiter) and got some goodies. Thats all I have to say about that day, I cant remember what I wanted to blog about.

Additionally, yesterday was Sunday which means, CHURCH! So, in church (ray of hope, online) the preacher (rev. jaz, guest preacher, its revival) spoke on the year of new beginnings and coming from behind in order to take over. So yesterday I experienced a Happy New Year type of situation. Since Ive been in Japan I have learned a tremendous amount of information. I have learned about love, prayer, life, self, intelligence, intellectualism, desires, interests, wants, needs, travel, culture, language, decision making, independence, dependency, fake-isms, and probably a host of other things. But, the most important part of the sermon I grasped is "even though you are experiencing an issue you are not the issue." For so long I have been experiencing issues ... life and death, loyalty and dishonor, & love and hate. Everything that bothers me has resolved around those three differences. But the pastor also said something else, "you are at your lowest point today. God is using you to create a new better being and you will never be at this point again. You are not the first to experience what you are experiencing and you wont be the last so you must simply push past this, sew your seed and move on." For those of you that don't know I am a religious and spiritual person. I believe in a higher being and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I have always seen myself as the woman that will change the world, one person at a time. I have always been that girl that will love everyone, often before she loves herself. But now that I am gone, I am realizing so many people and relationships that I had while I was at home were irrelevant. I had a lot of salt inflicted wounds because of the company I kept. I was not a happy person and I was not able to see my unhappiness until I started experiencing happiness. Example: I took care of my grams for the summer as well as my dads puppy. Now, as crazy as it seems I was happiest in the simple moments. I was happiest when lillie mae, yoshi and i would be in the front yard laying, sitting and standing ... talking about random stuff like the leaves on the trees. I was happiest when I would pick grams up and she would talk about Barack Obama, how that woman was so in the know, i still dont know. The days that we talked about why it rains, and why flowers are purple or laughed at yoshi because he is secretly a human - those were the days that I loved. Its amazing that through death I continue to find life. As I looked at Geeper for the last time I knew that I had some sort of purpose. I knew that he fulfilled a purpose that was so great noone could ever forget his memory and the legacy of love he left. When I saw grams take her final breath after I told her she could go now because I could handle it, I felt a sense of rebirth. And in the sermon I realized my storm is not quite over yet, but my rainbow is forming through the raindrops. I like this place I am in now. I like the feeling of creating a person on the basis of love (God creating the Garnet he wants) and me falling in love with that person. If you do not love yourself, first, how do you expect someone to love you unconditionally.

This is my post ....
hope you enjoyed.
ahava