Transitions...

((Rewind))

August 22, 2008: Originally I should have been departing on this date to begin my new life on the other side of the world. But, due to uncontrollable circumstances, I asked for a later departure date.

Around August 31, 2008 I told my mother I no longer wanted to go. I think she knew I was going to change my mind because she didn't react to this at all. I was adamant about not going until around September 3rd when I decided to go shopping for my September 5th departure. On September 4th I said my last goodbyes and was off on the 5th. I was numb to leaving. I wasn't excited. I wasn't scared. Quite frankly, I didn't have any major emotions at all.

Now, its November 18, 2009. In less than one month I will be back on American soil. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm hesitant. I'm very weary. I'm unsettled. But, in essence, I'm ready.

In the past year and a half I learned a lot. I learned what tenacity is. I learned what stress is. I learned what discipline is. I learned what fortune is. I learned what faith is. I learned what friendship is. I learned what depression is. I learned what translations are. I learned what body language is. I learned what fear is. I learned what dedication is. I learned what love is. But, most of all, I learned what living is.

According to my mother, I have been on a paid vacation for the past several months. In essence, I have. I have been able to travel, party, eat, socialize, learn new languages, see new countries and experience new cultures ... oh yes, and stay in LOTS of hostels. My life has been simply amazing over the past few months. I have seen sakura (cherry blossoms) that are so beautiful a picture could not even begin to capture the beauty of them. I have been atop mountains that have shown me how simple life is. The breath of fresh air that can be consumed amongst the clouds is one of the most joyful feelings on Earth. Standing in the Peace Park in Hiroshima that was full of history only to think about how much peace is actually missing in the world. Living here has made me realize how many breaths people take failing to recognize the moments that are actually taking their breath away. It has allowed me to refocus on the simple things that maintain my sanity. I have been reintroduced to the serenity of solitude. I have been reminded of how beautiful life is.

Japan has been more than wonderful and simply amazing. There are not enough words in the history of words to describe how appreciative I am of this time.

I pray that everything that I have seen, heard, felt, smelled and tasted can help me to have the best life on Earth.

I love my life. Thank you japan.

本当にありがとうございます。

また近いうちに。

ガーネット

enigmatic love

lately i have had some strange feelings: feelings about love and what it is. feelings about love and how to deal with them. feelings about marriage. feelings about happiness. feelings about joy. i feel like a baby but all of my friends are having babies and getting married.

a lot of my friends date to date and settle because they want a wedding. actually, that may be people in general. but for me, dating is different, a wise woman (thankfully shes my mom) once said to me "never live like you are married until you are married." a wise man (thankfully hes my dad) once said, "the guys that buy you things are not the ones you need to love, but they are the ones that will feel as if you owe them something." and a wise young man (thankfully my brother) said "hes not good enough for you" as i ask "do u know him?" he responded "doesnt matter, no one will be good enough."

with those wise words i never felt the need to be exclusively involved with anyone. i like you. you like me. lets go out. if you happen to be the only guy i am going out with that is great, and if not, its fine too. as i prepare to possibly think about considering the fact that i might want to get married in the near or distant future, i thought about it. love is the easiest habit to attain and the hardest to break. so why oh why would i plan to love someone that doesnt make me better? why would i choose to be with someone that may praise me but does not necessarily better my life in any way shape or form.

i would much rather have an enigma. i LOVE puzzles because at first glance u can never see their beauty. it takes piece after piece to make the masterpiece. and if you make your way to completing the puzzle, its forever. mama knows i like him. he is an enigma. i have a few pieces but as i continue to put the puzzle together it doesnt get easier. each day its a challenge, it racks my brain and makes me think. i wait and just look at it sometimes. and if im not sure of the next piece i admire what i have until i can figure out where the next piece goes.

the best thing about puzzles is this. when you see what they could be (their potential) you fall in love with the imagery. when you first start the puzzle it is very frustrating, but you (well i) first put together the framework. the border is the easiest part to piece together because each piece has at least one flat side. you KNOW where they go. when the basics are put in to place you smile. you know you are on to something great. as you find pieces you see different images in the puzzle. sometimes you can get frustrated because you want the end result, but you dont know how to attain it, though u know it is attainable, because somewhere, you have all of the pieces. day in and day out you attempt this puzzle. you admire the puzzle from afar. you take everything into consideration and do what you can with what you have.

but, in the event that you create this puzzle, if you put all of the pieces together, you are sure that it will last forever, until you drop it and it shatters into pieces. but every puzzle will not be dropped. some will be framed and admired for a life time. and that puzzle, that enigma, that love, when it is complete, when it is forever, it is amazingly beautiful. every time someone gets to admire it, they will smile. they may critique it, but they will understand that it is meant to be because all of the pieces fit so perfectly.

piece together your enigmas, do not settle for the film that has been developed.

g.

9, november, 2009

I gave up religion for relationship ...

((12, october, 2009))

So, I was on facebook today and decided I wanted to talk to a friend that I havent spoken to in ages. I cant even remember the last time we had a conversation. Well, we began the conversation on his finance and him wanting to blog instead. Then we talked about my job ... we caught up. And then it turned into a testimonial conversation. We started talking about God and following His word, walking in faith and not fighting the battles at hand. Of course I was raised in the church. But, until my sophomore year of college, I was a part of a religion. I was a religious follower of something I was not truly connected to. Sure, I believed in God and the trinity, but I believed in a lot of things. I followed my families guidance and did what seemed to be a good idea.

After beginning school I wanted a relationship. I wanted a romantic relationship, a platonic relationship, a consistent relationship, a perfect relationship. Now, what better than to have a relationship with God ... Now, Im a control freak. I dont like not being in control. I like leading as much as humanly possible, but with God ... thats not happening.

"it's like i wanna be part of a tag team in these fights and struggles in life, when really im just an excited spectator who gets in his way and slows stuff down and gets injured and needs to be repaired" - CR

Its interesting what catching up can offer you. And, nothing makes me happier than talking to my male friends about God. Halle!

Do you have religious views or are you in a relationship?

fiftytwopluseight

2009.08.october

Sometimes life happens. Ok, life always happens. But, what do you do when life interrupts your living.

As I get ready for the transition back home I think of my losses and my gains. I think about Japan, the place I now call home vs. America that was always my home. I will miss so many things. I will miss the cleanliness. I will miss the safety. I will miss the convenience. I will miss the cordiality. I will miss the helpfulness. I will miss the dedication. I will miss the tenacity to culture. I will miss my apartment. I will miss traveling in Asia. I will miss my kids. But, most of all I will miss knowing. I will miss knowing what to expect.

In heading back to America I have no idea what to expect. Actually, I retract that statement. I know I can count on a lot of lies and deceit. I am sure I will encounter racism. I am quite positive I will see some violence. I can probably count on feeling very unsafe. I can count on a lot of negativity.

How could I feel so strongly about the negatives that America has to offer? I mean, I truly look forward to being able to call my mom all day every day just because I have some random question. I will be very happy to go see one of my brothers shows again. I mean I guess they both have their perks, but Japan may have just been my heaven on Earth.

lets see whats next...

A. Big. Change. Differrentiates. Everlasting. Factors. Greatly.

...28, September, 2009

A. Big. Change. Determines. Everlasting. Factors. Greatly.

After taking a look at myself I began to realize I am not who I thought I was.

Because of my protective shield, I don't open up to some people.

Caring about them more than they choose to care about me,

Deciding to cater to them instead of myself.

Eventually it takes a toll on your heart.

Following your heart and trusting yourself,

Good thing I am a risk taker.

Heavy burdens of "defeat," if you would like to call it that.

I am choosing to make a change for the better.

Just because I am changing does not mean I am losing myself,

Kindly rearranging my relationships based on the "change of the seasons."

Loving myself because if I don't why would someone else.

Merely taking a lot of things into consideration.

Not holding back as much as I did before.

Opening up to those that need to know

Purifying my situations to the best of my ability

Quieting my thoughts and relying more on my actions

Reacting to things in a manner that can help things grow

Simply choosing to change... grow... mature... believe

Taking time to develop myself in order to be the best me, daughter, sister, friend and wife I can

Unifying my mind with my heart

Veiling my emotions, except to those that need to see them

Wishing on a few more stars

X-raying my mind for my own benefit

Yearning for just a little bit more...

Zooming towards my dreams, and helping to create my fairytale ending.

love,

g.

The Journey of Obon

Day 1: Augst 9, 2009 @3:00am

New message ... my phone vibrates with an email from my mom. It's a prayer about the weather, you know, typhoons and such. So, I woke up to check the weather. Of course there are three hurricanes brewing in my travel regions ... oh joy. Finally, I fell back asleep only to wake up and start my day @ 4:30am. After getting ready, we (travel buddy, houseguest and I) head to the train station at 5:30am. Our limited express to KIX departs at 6:02am. Houseguest stays until later on on the 9th, we say our farewells at the Kusatsu Station. After the 2 hour train ride to the airport we head through security and are on our way. Cathay Pacific is not nearly as nice as EVA Airways, but, it will do. I slept most of the way. Finally, near the end of the flight we were fed. "All we have left is eel." Well, glad Skip wasn't on this flight. But, that was the first time I had eel and it was decent, but sweet. After I finished eating I looked to my left only to see a man eating the salt and pepper out of the packet - a tad suspect. We then arrive in Hong Kong. This airport is nice but its huge. You have to go up to go down, left to go right. Its a mess. NOW, I sit and wait for the next flight to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Oh, I think I've been in Japan too long. When I speak the first words that come out are in Japanese ... WOW!

We arrive to Kuala Lumpur and all is well. We found our way to the Express train and then got temporarily lost on our way to the monorail. Malaysia smells funny. :( After getting the monorail at Sentral KL Station we managed to get to the hostel. We walked past a lot of dirt, grime and grandaddy mobster suspect looking people, but, we found our way to the "modern looking" building. After settling into our hostel we decided to venture of and find dinner. Japanese Restaurant? No! Japanese Restaurant #2? No! Fine, lets eat at Outback... way to broaden my horizons. SMH. (shaking my head!) Anywho, we then headed back to the hostel, walked through a night marked and settled in for sleep after a very long day. Can I make it to the 17th with my travel buddy? Stay tuned.

Day 2: 10 August 2009 @ 9:00am

I had the best sleep of my life. Truly my mothers child, when away I sleepy fully clothed. So, I wake up in leggings, socks, and a tshirt. My travel buddy, well, doesnt amend to that rule. Anywho, I woke up to two voicemails and messages none of which I checked. I did, however, call my mom. I truly miss traveling with my family. They are the best travel buddies a girl could ask for. After speaking with domicile, L. Boogie and ROomie, I got showered and we relocated from Hostel #1 to Hostel #2. In getting to Hostel #2, Red Palm, I was instantly much happier. Sofie, the hostel owner and operator, was extremely friendly (thanks Bulani for the recommendation). We then, and when I say we I mean I, decided to go to the Batu Caves. Now, when I dressed today I wore a shirt flip flops and a tee ... I always seem to dress "appropriately" for my Asian adventures. So, the hostel gave us a map and boy was it an adventure. (Mom, thanks for all of these random road trips in which I was the navigator. It still comes in handy.) We made it to the random bus stop in which my travel buddy attempted to help navigate (without looking at the map or ever having been to Malaysia), luckily we (again meaning I) didn't follow those directions. After arriving to the bus station we waited for the buses for a while. Then a Malaysian man came around yelling "Batu Caves" so of course we boarded. When we arrived to the caves. There were two hundred seventy two steps that we had to climb, rabid screaming monkeys with unhealthily long tails, snakes, iguanas, roaches and (wait for it) roosters. Now, seeing all of this could be due to the wild mushrooms my travel buddy insisted I try. (ok, sorry mom, just kidding.) After finishing the cave tour travel buddy wanted a coconut. Some random man heard him say "oishi" (which means "this tastes good" in japanese) and was utterly confused as to why we were speaking japanese. He was a funny looking somewhat scary looking japanese man and started to talk to us. Mind you, he was sweating profusely and had a lady with him that was twice his height, half his age and four times more attractive. ConfuseD? More than! We then stumbled upon a vegetarian indian restaurant with a waiter from Bangladeshi, ourselves being British and American and living in Japan on a trip to Malaysia via China. Cultured? I think I am. Anywho, travel buddy had his cocount in hand so I asked if we could eat with it. He said sure and asked how many. He sat us and then brough over two more coconuts. I had just told travel buddy that I hate coconut, so travel buddy suffered and drank three liters of liquid laxative. Travel buddy then had to "poo" using a squatter and our map as toilet paper. Welcome to subpar adventures. We ate well and had good laughs with Rajm (our waiter). What will our next adventure be? Oh wait, we ate some food on banana leaves but we did use a fork and spoon, shame on us for breaking tradition. Now, on to the next adventure ...

After finishing at the Batu Caves we hopped on a bus and headed back to the hostel. After returning to the hostel a bit before running into a Dutch tourist. She invited us to dinner and we kindly accompanied her. We ate at a fancy noodle bar, ok it wasnt fancy at all. But, she wasnt too excited about it. It wasnt satisfying enough for her. She was quite interesting. She decided to go backpacking for a year. SHe is 9 months in, sounds grand. Though she turned me off when she asked what I wanted to do after Japan and I told her I wanted to go to grad school and she responded, "oh, trying to find yourself?" I was no longer interested in conversing. Anywho, she wasnt satsfied so we then ate at an indian spot. I had naan and it was amazing. After eating we headed back to the hostel and slept.

Day 3: August 11th 2009

Day 3 began early. I woke up at about 6:30 because travel buddy wanted to do something that needed to be done at 7am. Well travel buddy didnt wake up until 8 in which he came downstairs at 9 and then became slightly attitudinal when I said we missed out. But, it is what it is. Travel buddy then proceeded to ask me what our other options were. People will use their brains one day, right? Anywho, we then traveled to the KL tower. It was decent ... I liked the Seoul tower better. After the tower we ventured to the animal zone and the F1 simulator. *cricket* We then thought it would be a good idea to eat some fine Asian cuisine, what adventure will it be today? Hmmm Wendys? YAY! ((irony, there is no wendys where i love, i was shocked at how big the cup was, hence the picture in the album)) Then travel buddy went on an adventure to see something adventurous, I was so excited to go see the housing project (NOT!) so I stayed behind... sue me. I slept and slept and slept while he was away. When I woke up from my nap travel buddy was with Tim (the chinese man from Australia) having a chat. I was in the mood for some naan so I invited them to come along. Of course they came to dinner and it was great. Afterwards, Tim and Travel Buddy went for a walk in which they found a bar, got dunk and then went for massages. Oops, I missed that too.

Day 4 - 12 August 2009

Today, travel buddy wanted to see the Petronas Towers. We left the hostel at about 8 and reached the towers at about 8:30, they weren't letting anymore guests in. So, we walked, and walked, and walked. We finally decided on a destination "Titiwangas Lake." Though we followed the sings, we kept walking, and walking, and walking. We then reached a familiar city where we could take the monorail to this said lake. When we got off the monorail, we followed the directions of the woman at the station. Well, she directed us to ... THE HIGHWAY! What?! I'm convinced this lake does NOT exist. Sim we stopped at 7-eleven and got some liquid beverage before we walked back to the station. We thought it was a good idea to stop at Starbucks and grab something to drink. "Oh cool, this appears to be a mall, for sure they have a pharmacy." As I counted my TWENTY mosquito bites, all while praying I didnt get malaria, I decided to get some cream to "soothe and relieve." I applied the Moz Bite and it did not really work but it was ok. We then decided to head to eat because it was now around 1pm. We ended up eating at Nandos, I think thats in America, anywho, it was delicious!! We stayed there for a long while and "observed" the people. They were very rude to this little waiter. I felt bad for him. Moving on ... we headed back to the hostel contemplating what our next move would be. Since it was raining we decided to take the "Hop on Hop Off" bus tour which happened to be good. We met an Indian British family living in Dubai and were able to have great conversation with them. After heading back to the hostel we realized it was dinner time. So, we invited Benjamin along. Where di we decide to go? yet another indian restaurant. So Benjamin, where are you from? Well, I'm from Germany but my moms French and my dads Turkish, I went to school in London and I came from Thailand. Oh I understand... (this was the beginning of a very eventful evening). We had a table of 3 with 6 backgrounds ... it was hilarious. To back track, the INdian restaurant is the restaurant in which we bought our bus tickets. the same place we saw patricia again (the woman we ate dinner with the 2nd night in malaysia) and a girl from Finland. These people at this restaurant were so nice that we promised to come back. (play) We decided to have our meal and the do hookah. Now, I dont know how people smoke, I thought I was going to die from this stuff. Benjamin and travel buddy laughed at me, A LOT! But, it was quality entertainment. I was a party pooper again and decided to leave the party early. Benjamin and travel buddy then went to find a bar in which they were successful. They also found some hookers and returned as comedians. We had a great laugh that night - boy oh boy. Before sleeping they decided we would attempt the towers again the next day.

Day 5: 13 August 2009

((6am))

Travel Buddy, are you awake? Lets get ready to go. Ben, Ben get up. What time is it? 6:15. Ugh! Everyone was ready by 7 and two of the three of us were still drunk ... this will be great! We made our trek to the towers and got there at about 7:30. We got a 715 tour and had a blast. When we were getting our tickets the woman ahead asked how many in which responded three. She then asked where we were from ... *cricket* America? As the peanut gallery chimed in "I'm not American." Hmmmph. We go to the tour and of ocurse started trouble. Oh the laughs. We were chewing gum, that wasn't allowed. We were taking a video, probably wasn't allowed. They were drunk, Im sure that was prohibited. I'm glad we weren't in Singapore yet, we surely would have been arrested. Shame.

Arashiyama ...

Arashiyama Monkey park

I'm sitting on top of yet another mountain digesting the facts of life.

Fact. Summers in japan are hot.

Fact. Mountains are breathtaking.

Fact. Clouds are beautiful creations filled with dreams.

Fact. This is my reality.

At 22 I never dreamed I would be living this dream. But, God always knew.

He knew I would live to experience the beauty that the world had to offer.

It is so fitting that Im living this dream now.

My grandparents taught me how to experience the beauty of life.

Life is amazing.

Stop existing and start living.

Stop thinking and just do.

Stop hating and start loving.

The world is your oyster.

Go grab your pearl and seize the day.

Gambatte
3aug09